Asking Eric: Perfect husband refuses intimacy
Dear Eric Twenty years ago I married a man who took care of me and my kids He tells me he loves me brings me flowers and supports me The predicament is he doesn t want to be physical with me and it is tearing me apart I am not asking to go to the moon I am completely asking for selected physical TLC I have solicited cried you name it I don t want to twist his arm to show me selected love I tell him I am lonely can we get a dog for selected companionship and his reply is consistently no they are too much work So he gets what he wants out of life while I suffer each night being alone on my side of the bed Do I just sit there and spend the rest of my life crying each night or do I leave him so I can have a chance at finding someone else to hold me at night Lonely At Night Dear Night You don t have to ask permission to be loved affectionately You don t need his approval to be happy or to fill your life with the things you need Marriage is a shared path walked by two individuals Sometimes ideally a lot of the time you re in sync But you re still your own people So if you want a dog get a dog More broadly if you want a different version of your marriage and he refuses to meet you there you can talk to a marriage therapist together or a religious leader or counselor But he has to be willing to show up and to open up If he s not he s giving you the message that his wants are more significant than your wants And that s not true Tell him that you love him but that this has reached a predicament point Because you love him and because you love yourself you want this to work But it demands help to work There s no shame in seeking marriage therapy It s rare that a couple can solve all their problems on their own But you need a neutral third party to help you both figure out why the things he values are so different from the things you value and find a path back to each other Dear Eric My family and I live near each other which is great on countless fronts However they all like to pop in unannounced which I do not like I have demanded them a large number of times to please check with me and not just pop by but they say it s just how it is in the family and keep doing it I think it s disrespectful and it really bothers me I love my place and don t want to move but I m considering it because it happens a lot Any advice Tired of Pop-Ins Dear Pop-Ins They say it s just how it is in the family but you re part of the family too So that excuse doesn t hold water Maybe this willful disregard for someone s wishes particularly about their home is part of particular larger family dynamic Maybe they re just choosing this one area to be jerks Either way one option for preventing pop-ins is to refuse to answer the door Yes it gets a little ridiculous sitting inside while a relative knocks especially if they know you re there But just because you re at home doesn t mean you re home for them The boundary of a person s home is not a hard one to respect and you shouldn t have to assert it so forcefully Declining to let them in when you don t want company preserves your space and hopefully prompts them to reevaluate this family trait Now what if they have keys Call a locksmith Related Articles Asking Eric Lifelong loner struggles to make connections post-retirement Asking Eric Friends disrupt concert outings by talking Asking Eric Human conflict erupts at dog park Asking Eric Single mom wants to start relationship with handyman Asking Eric Grandmother wants invites to grown grandchildren s birthday celebrations Dear Eric Your question and response concerning Nervous who didn t feel safe riding with her friend appeared in our local newspaper on the very day my husband and I took the AARP Smart Driver program I highly recommend it It is a six-hour class and preponderance insurance companies offer a discount for three years upon completing the syllabus You don t have to be an AARP member Although the class is offered online I recommend taking it in person Nervous and her friend could take it together Smart Driver Dear Driver Thank you for writing several people wrote in to sing the praises of the Smart Driver effort which can be ascertained at aarpdriversafety org Additionally others wrote to remind the letter writer that state Departments of Motor Vehicles often if not perpetually have tactics of anonymously reporting unsafe drivers If the letter writer doesn t feel calm talking with the friend this is an option albeit one that will take longer which continues to put the friend and others at exposure Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com
